I LOVE WEED

Bacon and eggs are 2 of the most vital ingredients of a traditional fry-up, as im sure any red blooded Scot will tell you. I tend to have mine with sausage, beans and toast or a tattie scone. The trick I find is to fry everything together in the same pan that way all the juices combine to create an artery blocking concoction of grease, meat and tomato sauce. Some people like to make it pretty on the plate, I don’t I just slap it on my plate in all its dogs dinner glory. It may look like slop but boy does it taste good, this was how my brain felt on Saturday. Bacon and eggs would be the only way to described just how fried I was, so forget what you thought about fish suppers and kip krockets, cuz nothing goes beyond how fried I was at the weekend.

I may have started my day with a little wake and bake, but being my only day off I had work to do. Got my shopping done making sure to plan for the week ahead, pasta tonight, chicken on tues, curry on wed and of course meat and cheese for my sandwiches. After I dropped all my shopping off, next was my washing which has been pilling up for weeks now. For real last week I spent 7 days wearing 3 pairs of boxers and 4 pairs of socks, one pair had been turned inside out so much that they had now gone solid as a rock and required binning. So Lidl was done, washing was dropped of, cold wash please, and I was now ready for smoking, onward to Grey Area.

As per usual the place was more packed than an Auschwitz jail cell. Out the door seems to be the consistent description for the line at Grey Area. You can’t help but feel like cattle being mass horded together, as you enter the slaughter house, very similar to the feeling you get on public transport. Soon enough, however, I had made it to the front of the queue to be greeted by Adam, the newest employee of the grey.

“Hey man, how’s it going?’’
“Cool man, cool. Back again for another 50 bag, I think ill go with sour cream today. Can you hook me up again?”
“Ooh sour cream nice… im smoking that my self. Sure man lets see what I can do.”

As he weighed up my bag I couldn’t help but overhear one of the local Londoners proclaim to his friend over the deals he had just gotten from a footlocker

“Yeah man, half price innit. Je Gotta go wit me tho man, ill get you the discount from my man at footlocker. 50% man I got myself 4 pairs. Ja man, half price but je gotta be connected man… half price nut’a’mean man.”

So I get my big ass bag of weed, grab a paper and roach, and then proceed to take a seat on a stool by the left as the Londoner began to pull out his newly bought shoes to show his friend. I’ll admit they were some sweet ass pairs of air force ones, all 4 of them, and if I wasn’t against Nike and its audacious use of child labour I prob would have went to get a pair myself, for real they were pimping designs on them. Problem was I spent so much time looking at trainers that I was non compesmentus of just how much weed I was putting in my joint, which would lead to my demise.

So I sat there, with by fat ass pure doob, as the herds of cattle came in and out of the shop. One by one they would load up at the counter and leave, but equally as fast one by one the queue would grow. Some would stay, most would leave, so is the cycle of any good coffeeshop. I really didn’t feel the spliff hit me that hard…. Until, that is, I tried to leave.

My head was more flushed than a toilet after a dump, heart was pumping faster than the speed of light and, no doubt, my face was prob more pale than an albino in winter. The rush of cattle awaiting there turn was highly uncomfortable, if you’ve ever seen the size of Grey area im sure you’ll agree, and I began to get anxious about my current condition. I HAD TO GET OUT. I stood up and packed up all my items, weed, roach and grinder, and then tried to get the dealers attention before I left, but he was busy. For some insane reason I stayed, standing quite and still, till he had freed up. I just stood there for like 5 mins, not saying nor doing anything. I began to get even more nervous at the customers who prob thought I had just skipped the line, my heart was beating louder than the base line at a Wu-tang concert. As soon as I got eye contact I just shouted “Thanks” and “later” to the dealer then ran outta the place faster than a rabbit gets f**ked.

Outside I thought my head would get better, but the rush of air just made things worse. I began to panic as I unchained my bike, not particular reason just anxiety. I tried to get on my bike, I got all of 5 meters, just over the Singel bridge, when a heard a loud “HONK!!!!!!!” oh ish, my mind was going so fast it failed to see the red car directly infront of me at the junction. That made my heart even faster, by this point I thought I was going to kill myself. I made it across Spui onto Niuwenzijds, at which one look at the 2 lanes of traffic with 2 sets of tram lines, I thought “maybe I should get off my bike.” So I got off \, walked to the pedestrian crossing and the headed towards Dam square.

My plan originally was to head to Bluebird coffeeshop. It’s a lot bigger, and since I know most of the staff there, I thought perhaps conversation would help me calm down. I had spoken to some tourists in Grey, but generally I smoked the whole joint on my own, just thinking away in your own little world…. Not a good start really. However as I passed the steps leading up to the monument in Dam square, I though it might be a good idea to just sit and chill here. So I dumped my bike in the 1st visible spot, and headed over to the steps to sit down and gaze at the world go by.

Sure enough it worked a treat. I sat and watched as the hectic midday traffic went past. The intensity of the trams, bikes and cars all running around, allowed me to relax and slower my heart rate. People from all walks of life converge every weekend to enjoy the marvel that is Amsterdam city. I observed a couple walking hand in hand as they admired the surrounding buildings with their unique architecture, young children running rampant as their parents struggle to control them and of course flock after flock of Japanese tourist taking pictures of every thing they see, SNAP! Turn to the left, SNAP, back to the right SNAP!! And behind SNAP.

Then something amazing happened, as I looked around it almost appeared to be snowing. Only it wasn’t snow, at 1st glance I didn’t know what it was, then a petal dropped on my shoe, a rose petal to be precise. It seems 2 helicopters were showering the streets with rose petals, probably had something to do with the rose garden on display in the square. It was truly a breath taking site, I can’t recall what colours they were, but I do remember a feeling of euphoria as I watched thousand of rose petals fall from the heavens to us below, simply beautiful. I started to look around at the faces of amazement all transfixed at the sky. I then began to get a horrible feeling with in my stomach, kinda of like hunger but not. As I looked at alls these people enjoying this display, I couldn’t help but feel alone. Every one it seemed had someone with whom they could enjoy this magnificent display with, yet I was all on my lone some. At that thought, I waited for the display to finish they got up and continued on my journey to Bluebird, besides I was now feeling a lot more calm and relaxed.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear the Beastie boys chant “NO…SLEEP…TILL BROOKLYN!!!!” this was a good sign, as not everyone who works there likes rap music. Sometimes it 50/50 with whos working at bluebird. Unlike Grey area they have well over 20 employees who could possible be working. Luckily for me 2 of my favourite where on.

Jon, a northerner from England was working the dealer shift. Typical Englishman, big build, shaved head, and a thick accent,
“Alright manny? Where have you been hidin’ your self?”
“ja totally man, been working hard so I can only come at weekends now, but now ive got cash. No more cheap weed for me like.”
“Hey whats up?” came a call from the drinks counter where Natasha was standing, a
Dane with a bubbly personality, smoking body and equally enticing eyes. This was my savoir, as tho she was a rock chick, she totally dug the hiphop vibe and hence the current Beastie boys selection.

“What you havin?” they both fired at me, to which my brain completely reverted back to previous states and I replied with “uh... what do I what again?” after a few mins of pondering I came to the conclusion not only that my head was clearly still fried, but eventually Hot chocolate and Blue cheese was my order. I then took my usual seat, at the bar in front of the Volcano, and began to load up my grinder wit the cheese. Having completely forgot the state of affairs I was in not even an hour ago, I then decided “hey I haven’t had one of these babies for a while…. Yo Jon can I get the bag for the volcano?” what was I thinking

I ended up staying there till the shift change at 5. I had been blazing the volcano for so long a queue had now developed behind me.I sat and explained both how to use, and the basic principles of vaporisation to various tourists. 1st was the 3 Germans from Frankfurt with their Northern lights. Next came a southerner from leister with some AK47. I sat and spoke with this guy for some time as we both had the same opinion of British weed. As we sat and blazed volcano after volcano various other groups of people would ask for a try, or an explanation as to what we were smoking. Normally this would be done by a member of staff, but the manager there knows how much I enjoy helping people with rolling joints, directions or just weeds tips, that he allows me to demonstrate freely.

By 5.30 my brain was gone and I had to leave. Outside I unlocked my bike, jumped on, then started to pull away to the left… that was until a women behind shouted “STOP!!” good thing she did too, cuz I was away to plough over her daughter. I said sorry, let them pass me then proceeded into the bicycle lane. I have no idea how I got home in one piece, but what amazes me more was that I remembered to pick up my washing on the way home. Upon arrival I went straight to bed, my head felt like a hot air balloon and sleep was the only solution. I awoke several hours later, sat and had a joint with my flat mate, then just went back to sleep. Despite Saturday being my one night to party, I was gone by 10.30, for real wasted. Since then completely Tanned (pun intended) that bag of weed with nothing nearly as close to how wasted I got on Saturday. I was at 1st disappointed by my poor efforts to party, what with being asleep by 11, but then I realised that I had done everything I wanted to do, shopping both weed and food, clothes washed and I made a new friend, not bad considering my brain was about as useful as a chocolate Tea pot

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