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piercehawkeye45
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« on: April 02, 2008, 04:09:36 PM »

I am writing a Short Story for English that is due tomorrow and I'm looking for a little critique.



My name is Josh. I am in purgatory. I am unsure if that this is my real name, which I cannot remember exactly, but yet the name just comes to me naturally. Neither am I positive why I am here or what I have done to come here, my job as a presidential advisor comes into my head but I don’t see how that would put me here. Either way, my past life on Earth seems blurry, I remember parts but no matter how hard I try, I cannot put the big picture together. But even if I could remember, would I be able to trust it? No transition from death to purgatory happened, at least that I recall, but I just appeared here knowing where I was and how to get out. I would imagine some pre-programming would be needed for that, to create a new identity, but why?

To get out of purgatory and into heaven a structure will be needed to be made out of 1,000 clay blocks. The blocks have different shapes and sizes (2 inches to 1 foot), different ability to be molded, some being able to change completely into whatever shape you need and others rebel when pressured and transform into an entirely opposite shape and then finally becoming so rigid further change is impossible for the time being.  On top of that, the structure has to be built on top of a base that randomly changes area and shape. On average, the base can hold around 50-75 blocks on the bottom row so in order for the structure to completed, it has to be much taller than the length and width, along with uneven blocks and the movement of the base, this makes the task extremely difficult when not built properly. The most annoy aspect has to be the movement, some time before the base stayed in a circle shape for what seemed like days (any measurement of time has no meaning when put against eternity so to say an event took so and so long is utterly pointless, a second is no longer or shorter than a year, no difference is felt, so for now on I will just use vague use of time measurement such as before, past, a while, etc) but then quickly shifted to a triangle shape, instantly destroying the outer walls of the existing structure, taking down the rest with it.

My ability to communicate and move around the room makes up our second problem. Four other people share the same room with me, all of whom I have never been introduced to or recognize in my past life, or at least that I know of. For this story their names will be Neil, Chris, George, and Sam. All four of them are able to talk and move while I am securely locked down to a chair with a cloth over my mouth, preventing any way that I can communicate or help build the structure. None of the others have tried to get me out. None of them even recognize my existence besides Sam, who just strangely smiles at me, then goes back to his own little world. I’m not sure why I am in this position; I am assuming because I know how the build the structure and this is just another obstacle. If no one can get me out the other five should be able to figure it out, I mean, we have eternity right?

I look around the small 20 by 20 foot well lit room.  I do not see any lights or any sort of way that light can enter the room but I just ignore that impossibility, too irrelevant. No sort of pattern exist on the wall, floor, or ceiling, just white. There are no windows or doors for us to know what lies outside the perfectly square room, if anything does at all, and the cabinet that Sam regularly accesses and the chair that I am tied to represent the only furniture. Besides those two, the only other objects in the room are the 1,000 red clay blocks and the moveable black base, which strangely does not protrude from the white floor around it.

Neil sits on the floor cross-legged and mindlessly puts blocks in a pyramid type design, the most common shape that has been tried ever since I remember. The pyramid starts to get bigger as Neil puts more blocks on, slowly and carefully molding the blocks and tossing the rebellious ones aside for later use. He gets closer, 500 blocks on, 600, 700, 750, and then the structure slowly starts to shake. I try to tell him, in vain, that the bottom blocks are molding their shape from cubes to diamonds but Neil doesn’t figure it out. George sees the shaking structure runs over and presses down on the top, flattening the bottom blocks and the structure becomes stable. Neil gives George a look of approval and George nods while walking back to his argument with Chris. Neil continues to place blocks on the structure when the bottom blocks start molding again. Surprised, he presses down on the top blocks but the bottom blocks keep changing. George sees the problem again and helps press down on the top blocks as hard as they can but the added pressure causes the bottom blocks to instantly warp and the whole structure collapses.

Chris laughs, “The pyramid shape will never work.”
“Really? Then what do you suggest genius?” George replies.
“How about a cube or waiting until the base…”
“We already tried that and, of course, it failed.”
“We tried it once. I can’t count how many times we tried your idea.”
“We’ve gotten closer with my idea. Yours didn’t even get halfway there.”
“There are still other….”
“Yes, and they all failed. Just keep trying my idea and…”
“We’ll be here forever?” Chris interrupts.
“and, we will get out when we perfect my system. You are clearly wrong.” George walks away.

I slide my bare foot across the warm floor in hopes of getting some sort of blister or pain. Nothing happens. My muscles never tire and I never need any sleep. The thought confuses and frustrates me. I need something to distract my mind from the structure, any physical pain, any escape, but unfortunately I cannot. Building the structure has become an obsession, an obsession that I cannot satisfy. I spend all my time thinking about how to complete the structure and nothing else, I cannot help it. I wish I could get my mind off it but I cannot get myself to do it. No ideas of diversion come to me and constantly hearing George and Chris bickering does not help. I close my eyes only to get the structural image in my head, I quickly open my eyes but the image does not go away. I want to scream.

I look over to see Sam drinking a beer and joking with Chris. Sam has been getting on my nerves lately, or has always been, I don’t know, since he just sits in the corner, relaxes, and sometimes jokes with the other members but never talks about or helps build the structure. He seems like a smart guy, he speaks intelligently but rarely talks due to lack of conversation. I don’t see how he can refuse to help build the structure. I would give anything to help, to get out of this miserable place. He doesn’t even seem to care. All the other five, me including, have been trying to figure this out ever since we remember and he doesn’t do anything. Sometimes I think that he is only down here to tease us, another obstacle. We are all on the verge of insanity, of course we never cross the limit into it, but he doesn’t seem affected at all. I don’t get it.

I lean forward and pull on the rope tied around my chest with all my strength but as usual the rope doesn’t budge. No loosening, no movement. If I could just break free this could all be over soon. I know how to solve the problem. I tug again the same result occurs. I look over and see Sam smirk happily and nod his head in recognition. I glare at him angrily and try to yell at him to untie me but this of course fails. He turns away and I get even more pissed off, does he have any idea of how much we need to get out? Everyone is on the verge of collapse except him, selfish bastard. I desperately try to get the others attention but they don’t even look at me, I feel invisible, helpless. If only I could get one chance we would be out of here, just one chance. I feel like I am going insane, not because I am actually going insane, but because I know I cannot (would the ability not to go insane be considered insanity itself?). Maybe this would be better in another state of mind, the others, besides Sam of course, all look as desperate as me. George and Chris never stop fighting and Neil’s brain is no more than a lump of mush, just doing what people tell him and building the structure with the same amount of planning as a six year old. I struggle to break free again, in vain, and give an inaudible yelp, which to my distress makes me even more frustrated. This has to be a joke; something so simple cannot be so hard to accomplish. If only I had my chance.

My booming confidence calms me. Those fools, how can they not see the answer, something so simple, but so hard for anyone else to see? Maybe sometime in the future someone will allow me to participate or figure out the answer, but until then, I can do nothing but wait.

***********************************

   I take a sip of my beer and take a deep relaxing breath. I do not feel any drunker. I haven’t for as long as I have been here. I look around to see the same thing as always.  Josh struggles to break free, Neil sitting on the base placing blocks in random places, George giving orders and Chris arguing.  I shake my head at their pitiful attempts, especially Josh. He knows the truth but sadly cannot accept it. He stares at me like he expects me to do something about this. I cannot stand to look at him any longer so I turn away. I still can’t believe he has not figured it out. You would think after a life of politics he might actually have a clue. I didn’t expect George or Chris to understand being a fundamentalist Christian capitalist and corrupt leftist revolutionary and the grunt almost has an IQ below freezing. Oh, I’m sorry, I have not introduced myself. My name is Illuminati. I am in hell.
Logged

I was just told that I have character flaws by a man who hung his predecessor in a military coup.

I'M DOWN WITH Quetzalcoatl ARE YOU?
Theonlyone
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2008, 09:29:35 PM »

Ok, so, besides a lot of grammatical errors (commas, periods, comma splices, the what not) it's a good story. In the second paragraph, youre meant to say annoying, but you have annoy....

also a good thing to do, is not start every sentence with "I". You hav e3 or 4 sentences in a row starting with "i did..." "i saw..."  "i..." etc. Switch it around, instead of "I look around the small 20 by 20 foot well lit room." you could put "Looking around the room, i see it measures a mere 20 by 20"

does that make sense?

ok aside from that, very very very nice twist, i love how you switch to Sam's view at the end. Oh, the dialogue bit, i think you should give the quotes names, at least the beginnings....

like i said though, great concept, i think you need some writing work tho (grammatically and composition wise)

PM me if you want any help on grammatical errors and composition/construction of this, i would be more then happy to help, cuz i wanna see how it would turn out if the small details were fixed
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www.soundclick.com/theonlyoneugrap

I will and when Thor comes down here with Odin may he have mercy on your family, Because when i get his hammer I won't.

i nearly shit myself reading this
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Mobile-friendly version Immortal Technique Biography

Born Felipe Andres Coronel on the 19th of February 1978, hip-hop artist Immortal Technique is a controversial figure in the U.S. His songs speak of the need for social justice and equality among all races, with special emphasis on the people of color or Latin Americans, but they also cover topics such as the fight against unfair imprisonments or militarism and many others.

His biography is hence quite intriguing, to say the least, and, just like the best anti aging cream is probably going to be lingering over the shelves of all cosmetic stores for many years to come, Immortal Technique’s songs are going to remain hot, fresh and sought after for a really long time. Due to the fact they speak about topics which are to be considered taboos, his lyrics continue to be listened to with the exterior shutters down in most homes.

Immortal technique was born in Peru, in El Hospital Militar de Lima; several years later, his family moved to America in order to escape the harsh living conditions in Peru. Even though they could not afford to buy any terrain a vendre there, they managed to move to Harlem in the ‘80s. Immortal Technique went to Hunter High School, but just like a hip replacement recall is never of good omen, his grades and behavior weren’t any good during high school either. He was the school bully, he harassed other students and he was not afraid to get involved in scandals with drug dealers from around the area. And while his interactions with these drug dealers were not as numerous as used cars in Phoenix are, they still managed to leave an ugly mark on his biography.

Plus, his graffiti did not actually resemble any Dreamweaver templates, but he was famous for his controversial acts of vandalism. His violence against others almost got him expelled in 1996, but he somehow managed to finish high school and even attend college at Pennsylvania State University. This time, his college experience only lasted for two years; he was then charged and convicted and he was eventually imprisoned in Pennsylvania.

In prison, just like a SEO San Antonio company would focus on booting a web site’s ranking, Immortal Technique also focused on boosting his own social ranking. He began studying the policy of religious history, and, finding the inspiration he needed, he began putting his thoughts in lyrics. In 1999 he was paroled and, even though he was first considered some sort of Agen Bola, as no one had heard of him at first, he began to attend freestyle battles he started winning.

From there on, his career started to bloom, as he gave birth to albums such as “Revolutionary Vol 1” in 2002, “Revolutionary Vol 2” in 2004 and “Revolutionary Vol 3” in 2008. He also became a political activist and started to sing about political injustice (check out his opinion on the imprisonment of Mumia Abu-Jamal or the songs on George W. Bush). Despite of the fact that his albums might not have gotten the type of positive reviews African mango reviews are usually comprised of, this has not stopped him from getting involved in future projects, including an important film collaboration. He might not approve the work of the CNA Financial Corporation, but we all need to eat, right?




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At this very early stage of rap development, it was particularly tied to emcee-ing more than it was associated to any specific song. It predominantly tied songs together as an adlib in between. It was born out of the creative inputs of DJs who had to work with self-imposed musical constraints such as the 4/4 time beat and sampling or sequencing sections of other songs to create a smooth flow of uninterrupted musical stimuli. These were eventually married with electronic equipment such as drums and synthesizers, and ultimate melodies to give it that bite and identity. In a sense, rap music artists were basically like a video game designer who had to figure out each artistic component at every turn until it developed into a more coherent musical genre that became the rap music we know today.

The first recorded version of rap music came alive in the early 1980s when DJs decided to make records out of their freestyle MCing. This necessitated the documentation of song lyrics so they do not change during each and every rendition. The age of the stromanbieter for rap music was gone paving the way for more organized chaos. Still, the freestyle and improvisation element remained a part of many DJ interludes as the song goes through certain sections that did not require too much rap singing.

Likewise, as a consequence of the hip-hop records, the influence of rap began to spread faster than ever before. Artists no longer had to travel far to get their music heard. Now, records from New York City and Philadelphia can be reproduced and transported to cities like Los Angeles, New Orleans, Dallas, Baltimore, Washington, D.C., and Seattle among others for people to appreciate and enjoy. This was primarily the reason for rap music’s rapid growth. Like Christmas mini lights, cities formed the nodes through which rap music would spread to other parts of the country. From small beginnings to grand achievements, the birth certificate translation to true stardom took a matter of years for rap music to be realized. Since then, its take-off and rise has been meteoric.

In this regard, it is almost impossible to talk about rap music but not discuss the golden age of rap. This was the era from the late 1980s to the mid 1990s when rap grew at an astounding rate fueled by the creative contributions of many artists from all over the continental United States and in many parts of the world. The primary trait of the Golden Age or Rap was that it was an almost unbroken wave of transformative music with every single pushing the boundaries of the genre. From this age and in the succeeding Gansta Rap age came names like Run-D.M.C., Dr. Dre, Ice T, MC Hammer, The Wu-tang Clan, Snoop Dogg, and The Notorious B.I.G. among others. The list of names can virtually fill a Sharepoint Hive without any problems.

According to social studies published in 2005, teenagers and children are more familiar with hip-hop and rap music more than any other musical genre. Up to 65% of all children from ages 8 to 18 hear hip-hop music on a daily basis, making it their routinary keratin hair treatment session, almost to the point that it has become an intrinsic part of their lives. With the diversification of the genre to include the more stylish R&B or rhythm and blues, it is not difficult to explain how rap music has continued to pervade radio station, TV and movie song line-ups. The marriage of rap and jazz which paved the way for R&B is itself a phenomenon that warrants all sorts of social analysis.

And with its very strong following, it is safe to say that rap music is here to stay. Years from now, when you open your TV on a bright Saturday morning, there’s a big chance you would be watching the next stage in the evolution of rap music, and there’s an even better chance you would be dancing or singing to that tune.

Immortal Technique Rapper Biography

Immortal technique is the stage name for which rapper Felipe Andres Coronel is popularly known. His lyrics characterized by its unique mixture of socialist commentary of social class hierarchy, religion, wealth, poverty to contemporary issues touching on governmental and institutional racism. Perhaps you may have come across information about this popular icon as you undertake research for that mba online, or for whatever course you are undertaking, be it bachelors in criminal justice, performing arts degree, governance systems, online nurse practitioner programs, history, or any other course for which you have to do online research.

The rapper was born on the 19th day of February 1978 in Lima, Peru. During the internal conflicts that took place in their country at the time, his parents migrated to Harlem, New York. Probably, in the process of migration to the country, they may have used boats at least once in the journey. Like many American teenagers, the rapper was engaged in various acts against the law that led to his arrest several times, which in one his public interviews admitted that they were selfish and at best childish acts. After completing his incarceration terms, he took up a political science course in a bid to mend his seemingly torn life, while living with his father.

After completing his studies, he was not lucky enough to secure a job in his field of study owing to the unemployment situation prevailing in the entire United States. Like many American fresh graduates who take up it jobs, nursing jobs, waiter and nursing jobs among many other common jobs that may not necessarily need a specialist, he took up a working in a restaurant to earn a buck from which he could live on.

Through his deep interest in championing for equality between the elite and the under privileged in society, and being not a Mesothelioma Lawyer, the rapper begun his music career basing his lyrics on such issues as injustice, exploitation and mistreatment of the poor. This is captured clearly in his desire to keep control over his production, since he strongly believes that in the music industry, the producers normally make a large profit while the artist for who credit belongs, normally end ups earning peanut amounts at the end of the day.

His popular sediments are captured in his albums that include the revolutionary, both volume one and two, and the 3rd world and the middle passage album. the rapper is increasingly involved in prison visits and working with migrant rights activists, though which he speaks to youths and the unprivileged in the society trazer amor de volta. His investments are largely in farmland in Latin America, which like soweto properties is an unpopular investment option for many celebrity figures. His advice to the youth is not much on taking up an aacsb online mba or an online criminal justice degree, but rather it is based on exploiting ones talents and living soberly within the law.

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